Chapter 2 - The 27th Sunday in Ordinary Time
It’s 9:25am. A smaller than usual crowd has gathered, about thirty or so. This is not alarming, as there are five Sundays in October, so it is normal for meeting the three Sundays a month obligation to be a little less than usual, and stragglers will be coming in throughout the liturgy. In fact, at Father Happy’s Mass, some faithful have made it a tradition to wait until after the sign of peace is over before they approach the church.
There are young couples and persons of indeterminate domicile already here doing their devotions. Mrs. Sofran and her two daughters, aged 17 and 12, are by the ambiguous statue, each wearing what looks like a lace end table covering on her head and saying her beads.
From a room behind the platform comes Blanche Page. Blanche is a lovely woman, around 35 years old: tall, with her hair worn up in a conservative manner, wearing a pinstriped pantsuit. She is the daughter of one of the leaders on the parish council, Dr. Turner Page.
She is carrying a paper in her left hand, most likely to make the parish announcements, as it is part of her job as lector for the Mass. Blanche steps up to the microphone and gives a little wave. “Hi everyone,” she said with her distinctive nasal voice.
She is greeted with a smattering of “Hi Blanche!” “Wonderful to see you, Blanche.” “Good morning.” One man responded with a whistle.
Then Blanche began the announcements: “Today is the 27th Sunday in Ordinary Time, year cycle D, adult liturgy/child optional, Eucharistic prayer # 37, folk Mass, home vestments, alcohol-and-drug free, except for the wine. Oh, and Father Hap’s heart medication. And the stuff that the person of the flexible dormitorial arrangement lifestyle is drinking now. In fact, a couple of you are finishing your beers right now to make your twenty minute Eucharistic fast. Forget I said that.
“Announcements. Nick Classics is running a M*A*S*H marathon this week from Wednesday night at six o’clock in the evening to Thursday afternoon at two o’clock.
“A reminder, we are having a full-contact Bingo tournament starting Thursday, October 27. Sadie McGillicuddy, last year’s champion will be looking to defend her crown. There are still openings for the tournament, but they are sure to fill up fast. To sign up, meet with either Mrs. Leary or Father Hap after Mass. Or you could talk to Father Hap during Mass, if he doesn’t look too busy.
"The parish is sponsoring a pilgrimage next summer to Woodstock, New York, the site of the famous protoliturgy performed sixty years ago this coming summer. Travel and accommodations will cost $2,750 dollars, including two nights in the mud listening to the spiritually enriching music of the era. If you’re interested, please see Father Hap.
“On Sunday, November 26, the Feast of Christ the Presider, St. Alan Alda will be here to sign his autograph for the Faithful of the parish in the narthex after the noon Mass. The suggested donation will be $20.00. This is a once in a lifetime chance to get a personalized second class relic from this Saint. Tell all your friends to come, as well.”
With that, Blanche took her papers and returned to the left sacristy.
This last announcement caused a bit of a buzz in the parish, which was quickly drowned out by the sound of wheezing. To the right of the stage, Groovy Gary and Far out Francine were struggling with the steps on their way up to their microphones. Gary is wearing his usual tie-dye collared shirt, quite a contrast to his shock white, thinning hair. He still gets around, though with the help of a walker. Francine’s health has taken a hit the last several months, and she can never be seen without her IV hookup. She can still sing well enough, but at times, the hose that runs from the IV to her nose bumps into the microphone. Still, these are Father Happy’s favorite minstrels. What they lack in tonal accuracy, they make up for with enthusiasm.
One could still hear Groovy Gary and Far out Francine gasping for breath when the opening procession started. Gary, while still recovering, started strumming the chords: G C G D. Ah! It must be the classic of Vatican II spirituality….
“Hi God, how are you today
Can you hear us, God?
What is it you’d like to say?
Be good to your neighbor, be good to yourself
Who me? Yes, you. OK!
Hi God, how are you today
Can you hear us, God?
You’re our best friend, God”
By the end of the song, Father Happy has processed to behind the altar, which would have been a tad inconvenient in the days before Vatican II. The altar boy, Gregory, after he had led the procession, put the processional cross in its place and went back to the sacristy for a smoke. Blanche followed Gregory in the procession, holding aloft the book of readings.
The procession included the six extraordinary ministers of the Eucharist, and concluded with Fr. Hap shaking hands with the parishioners on the way in. He is dressed in a green suede chasuble, floor length all the way around with holes for the head and arms. Fr. Happy’s chasuble features a rhinestone smiley face on a white background.
Fr. Happy began the liturgy, “Good morning, everyone.”
Some parishioners responded, “Good morning, Father.”
“Now is everybody ready? Altogether now, ‘In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.’ Well done. We were all together. Now let’s give ourselves a hand.”
After the self-congratulatory applause, Father Hap said, “Before we get ready to celebrate the Eucharist together, let us call to mind our sins.”
After two seconds, Father Hap continued, “Now that felt bad, didn’t it? I know it felt bad for me. But you know what, God still loves you. Yes, He does. And here to sing the Lord Have Mercy is Groovy Gary. Gary?”
The familiar refrain of Gary’s guitar harkens to a by-gone era; the older parishioners remembered it was from Billy Joel. Gary then begins to sing.
“Don’t go changing to try to please me
Just because you let Him down before.
Mm-mm-hmm-mmmm
Don’t imagine you’re too big a sinner
That I don’t need you any more.
"Oh, God won’t leave you in times of trouble
Because He seen you come this far
Mm-mm-hmm-mmmm
You gave Him good times He’ll take the bad times
God loves you just the way you are”
Father Happy then joyfully announced: “And now for the Glory to God. Let’s see what fantastic ditty Groovy Gary and Far out Francine have for us.”
Groovy Gary played for the congregation an arrangement of “Glory to God in the Highest” he penned in 1967. At the opening chords, Father Hap started clapping his hands and encouraging the people to sing and clap their hands. He would sporadically do this throughout the piece. Despite the people’s reticence to join in, Father Hap clapped throughout and sang (and often danced) throughout the whole piece.
Refrain:
Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God in the Highest. Everybody, now.
Glory to God, and peace to His people on earth
verse
Lord God, heavenly King, almighty God and Father, we worship you, we give you thanks, we praise you for your glory. Everybody sing.
Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God in the Highest.
Glory to God, and peace to His people on earth
verse
Lord Jesus Christ, only Son of the Father, Lord God, Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world: have mercy on us; you are seated at the right hand of the Father: receive our prayer. Lift up your voices, now.
Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God in the Highest.
Glory to God, and peace to His people on earth
verse
For You alone are the Holy One, You alone are the Lord, You alone are the Most High, Jesus Christ, with the Holy Spirit, in the glory of God the Father. Amen. Let’s hear it now.
Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God in the Highest.
Glory to God, and peace to His people on earth. One more time.
Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God in the Highest.
Glory to God, and peace to His people on earth.
At this, Father Happy, visibly exhausted from the dancing, wipes the sweat from his brow. “Woo! Aren’t they great, people? Let’s give Groovy Gary and Far out Francine a hand. Yeah.” With the enthusiasm he displayed, Father Happy did not act like he realized he was the only person clapping.
Father Happy continued: “Let’s pray, everybody. The Lord be with you.”
“And also with you.”
“Thank you so much. Anyways, let us pray. Father, you have made us worthy to serve you in all our worthiness. Increase in us the reflection of Your Image and Likeness, that we may meditate on our worthiness for all of our days. We ask this through Jesus. Amen.”
With this, Father Happy sits down, and Gary and Francine collapse in their chairs.
Blanche steps up to the podium. “The reading from the Old Testament is from the Book of Numbers.” This was Numbers 7:11-83.
“The one who brought his offering on the first day was Nashon son of Amminadab of the tribe of Judah.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Nashon son of Amminadab.
“On the second day Nethanel son of Zuar, the leader of Issachar, brought his offering.
“The offering he brought was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Nethanel son of Zuar.
“On the third day, Eliab son of Helon, the leader of the people of Zebulun, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Eliab son of Helon.
“On the fourth day Elizur son of Shedeur, the leader of the people of Reuben, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Elizur son of Shedeur.
“On the fifth day Shelumiel son of Zurishaddai, the leader of the people of Simeon, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Shelumiel son of Zurishaddai.
“On the sixth day Eliasaph son of Deuel, the leader of the people of Gad, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Eliasaph son of Deuel.
“On the seventh day Elishama son of Ammihud, the leader of the people of Ephraim, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Elishama son of Ammihud.
“On the eighth day Gamaliel son of Pedahzur, the leader of the people of Manasseh, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Gamaliel son of Pedahzur.
“On the ninth day Abidan son of Gideoni, the leader of the people of Benjamin, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Abidan son of Gideoni.
“On the tenth day Ahiezer son of Ammishaddai, the leader of the people of Dan, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Ahiezer son of Ammishaddai.
“On the eleventh day Pagiel son of Ocran, the leader of the people of Asher, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Pagiel son of Ocran.
“On the twelfth day Ahira son of Enan, the leader of the people of Naphtali, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed. This was the offering of Ahira son of Enan.
“This is the Word of the Lord.”
A number of parishioners had fallen asleep, so Blanche repeated herself loudly. “This is the Word of the Lord.”
“Oh. Thanks be to God.”
It was time for the responsorial.
Blanche began: “Taste and see that the Lord is sweet.”
The people responded: “Taste and see that the Lord is sweet”
The responsorial is from Psalm 2:
“Why do the nations conspire
and the peoples plot in vain?
The kings of the earth take their stand
and the rulers gather together against the Lord
and against his Anointed One.”
“Taste and see that the Lord is sweet”
“The One enthroned in Heaven laughs;
the Lord scoffs at them.
Then he rebukes them in his anger
and terrifies them in his wrath,
saying, ‘I have installed my King on Zion,
my holy hill.’”
“Taste and see that the Lord is sweet”
“I will proclaim the decree of the Lord :
He said to me, ‘You are my Son;
today I have become your Father.
Ask of me,
and I will make the nations your inheritance,
the ends of the earth your possession.
You will rule them with an iron scepter;
you will dash them to pieces like pottery.’”
“Taste and see that the Lord is sweet”
“Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling.
Kiss the Son,
lest he be angry and you be destroyed in your way,
for his wrath can flare up in a moment.
Blessed are all who take refuge in him.”
“Taste and see that the Lord is sweet”
Blanche then began the day’s Epistle (Rev. 3:1-6) here presented with the optional parts indicated. Blanche omitted them. “Today’s epistle is from the Book of Revelation. “To the Angel in the church in Sardis, write, ‘These are the words of him who holds the seven spirits of God and the seven stars. I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, [but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die,] for I have [not] found your deeds complete in the sight of my God. Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; [obey it, and repent.] But if you do not [wake up, I will] come [like a thief, and] you will not know at what time I will come to you. Yet you have [a few] people in Sardis who [have not soiled their clothes. They] will walk with me, dressed [in white], for they are worthy. [They who overcome will, like them, be dressed in white.] I will never blot out their name from the book of life, but will acknowledge their name before my Father and his angels.’ Those who have an ear, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”
“This is the Word of the Lord.”
“Thanks be to God.”
At this, Groovy Gary started up the guitar, and then Far out Francine sung the melody: “Allelu-ia Allelu - ia Alleloooooooia.”
Gary joined in: “Allelu-ia Allelu - ia Alleloooooooia.”
Francine sung the verse: “My burden is sweet and My yoke is light, and you shall find rest for your souls.”
“Allelu-ia Allelu - ia Alleloooooooia.”
At this, all stood, except for those doing their devotions in the back of the church. Father Hap stood at the altar. “Woo! Gary and Francine are great, aren’t they? The Lord be with you, everybody.”
“And also with you.”
“Thank you. The reading of the Gospel is from Matthew.”
“Glory be to you, O Lord.”
“Jesus said to His disciples, 'You shall find rest for your souls, for My burden is sweet and my yoke is light.'”
“Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.”
At the conclusion of the Gospel, everyone sat down, except Father Smiley, who grabbed the microphone from the pulpit and went to Gary’s stool, as per usual. He had to chase Gary off first, because he had fallen asleep on the stool. Father Hap then sat down on the stool and began his sermon over the huffing and wheezing of Gary and Francine.
Father’s sermons have been quite short in recent years, much to the delight of his faithful. In the distant past, twice he was assaulted after grabbing a reluctant parishioner to participate in his homily. He had once been known for endless sermons, but Bishop Surley suggested that he cut it down after the entire parish joined in a chant of “Shut up! Shut up!” Thus, he settled on short, sweet, sermons, usually with a story or anecdote tied in to a moral, keeping in mind that Father Hap has never seen a tangent he didn’t like.
At any rate, Father Hap started his sermon. “I was riding my bike the other day, when I stopped at a stop sign. Now, you all know that when you ride a bicycle, that you’re supposed to obey the rules of traffic as if you were a car, don’t you? It drives me crazy when I see a bicycle run right through a stop sign as if it wasn’t there, or when he drives on the wrong side of the street. Why do they think that it’s OK for them to break the rules of traffic, but not cars? If a car were to…”
At that point a buzzer sounded . Blanche has a button which she presses in case Hap get too far off topic. Apparently, this was not the point of the sermon.
Happy continued: “Anyways. I was at the stop sign. And in a nearby yard, I saw the most exquisite flower garden. And at the daffodils, I saw a beautiful black and yellow honeybee flying around to get the nectar from the flower. And I thought to myself, ‘You know, I frequently preach on the goodness of animals and our duties as stewards of the Kingdom of God to look after our rationally-challenged brethren. What about vegetation? Are they just like you and me without sensation? What rights does being alive bring with it?’
“But when I watched the honeybee, I realized that plants have a very meaningful role in society. Is it possible that just as we can recognize animal rights and avoid eating meat, dare we hope that one day science will make purely synthetic food (other than McDonald’s hamburgers) so we don’t have to eat our vegetative brethren? Even when you eat an apple, let’s say. Do you then lovingly place the baby apple trees in a place where they can grow in peace? It goes to show how far we’ve slipped as a society.
“So let us work toward the day when the rights and dignity of our less sensational brethren are appreciated as children of God and work to sow peace between all forms of life so that the world will again have the harmony we once had in the Garden of Eden. As we all know, we can have this peace only through science and dialog.”
His sermon having finished, Father Hap returned to his place behind the altar and they recited the Creed for the 21st Century.
“I believe that God exists, although I respect others’ rights to deny it.
I have some belief in Jesus Christ; others don’t, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, at least as a guiding Force for my faith experience, but it’s all good that others don’t.
I believe some other stuff, but others believe differently, which is fine, too.
Amen.”
After the Creed, Blanche came to the pulpit and turned to give Father Hap a piercing glare, as he’s forgotten to put the mike back after the sermon again. She grabbed the microphone from the stool, returned to the pulpit, and began the Prayers of the Faithful.
“We pray for the Holy Father, Pope Liberius II. May You enlighten him in the way of dialog, and help him to be ever more responsive to the desires of the People of God. Give him strength and wisdom to meet our needs and the needs of people of all other faiths, that we may walk the garden path of dialog. Help him in the work of diocesan consolidation, so that all may be one. For this, we pray to the Lord.”
“Word.”
“We pray for our bishop, Sugarloaf, that he may meet the needs of all the flock entrusted to him, that all might find a place at the table, regardless of creed, cult, or belief, except for integrists. For this, we pray to the Lord.”
“Word.”
“We pray for the People of God throughout the world. Let us who are created in Your Image and Likeness find ourselves, and by so doing, find You. For this, we pray to the Lord.”
“Word.”
“We pray for Catholic Action, that animal rights, gay rights, Leninist, socialist, and worthy apostolates of all kinds continue Your work in the world, until we’ve rebuilt the Garden of Paradise our fathers lost by dogmatic intolerance. For this, we pray to the Lord.”
“Word.”
Father Happy continued: “Heavenly Father, our Eternal Stick of Cotton Candy in the sky, You bring sweetness to our days and peace to our nights. Out of love and confidence, we ask also for earthly prosperity and total social justice, which we are pretty much figuring out anyway without You. We ask this in the name of Jesus.”
“Amen.”
At that point, Father Happy stood at the front of the podium for what used to be the most uncomfortable five minutes in the liturgy: waiting for someone to rush to participate in the liturgy and bring up the water and wine. Now, Father pays someone to do it, and it is much more efficient. By the time the water and wine get put on the altar, Groovy Gary has finally reached the stool.
Father Hap, eager with anticipation, shrieks with glee when Gary and Franny start out… “I’ve… got… a…
“Joy, joy feeling down in my heart”
Father Hap always loved to do the responses to this traditional hymn. “Where?”
“Down in my heart” “Where?”
“Down in my heart
I’ve got a joy, joy feeling down in my heart” “Where?”
“Down in my heart this day
“I am so happy” “No, I’m Happy”
“So very happy
I sing aloud and clap and dance for joy
I am so happy, so very happy
I sing aloud and clap and dance for joy
“And if the devil doesn’t like it, he can sit on a tack” “Ouch”
“Sit on a tack” “Ouch”
“Sit on a tack
And if the devil doesn’t like it, he can sit on a tack” “Ouch”
“Sit on a tack this day” “Yaaahhhh!!”
“I am so happy, so very happy
I sing aloud and clap and dance for joy
I am so happy, so very happy
I sing aloud and clap and dance for joy”
Time to start the offertory. Father Happy wasn’t quite ready. First of all, he was still tired from dancing in a similar style that Jackie Gleason danced to “Ragg Mopp” on “The Honeymooners”. Second, when he tried to get Blanche to dance, she got pepper spray out of her purse and nailed him, which brought about his ad lib lyric.
Still, the show must go on. Barely able to open his eyes, he filled the chalice and ciborium and raised them up and said, “Blessed are you, Lord God of all creation, for we have this bread and wine to… Who the hell put the Kool-Aid in the cruet?”
“Blessed be God forever.”
No use, Gregory had left. Blanche was now getting the preparations for Communion ready in his stead.
“That’s the last time we use him. I’ll go ahead and do the Liturgy of the Eucharist, but I’m sure they’ll have conniption over this in Catholic Family News.”
He went on: “Pray my friends that our actions will have something to do with God, our Heavenly Father.”
“May the Lord receive this as something cool, for our good and for our temporal interests.”
“Father, receive this act of worship, not that You benefit from it, but just for the aesthetic pleasure of the music and to share the good vibes of the moment. We ask this in the name of Jesus.”
“Amen.”
“The Lord be with you, everybody.”
“And also with you.”
“You’re so kind. Lift up your hearts.”
“Not likely! They’re staying in our rib cages, thank you.”
“Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.”
“Sure, why not?”
“It is truly right and just to everywhere give You thanks, our Heavenly Father, for You have made us worthy to partake in this celebration. We thank You, Lord, that we are not as the rest of men, like the integrists down the street. Their fanaticism and antiquarianism is repelled by the joy which we offer You. So with cute little Angels, which we believe because it feels nice, let us sing forever the song of praise:”
Groovy Gare and Francine were fighting about which Sanctus to sing while Father improvised the Preface. Father’s hearing isn’t what it used to be, as this liturgy could have used some of his famous tangents here. Faced with silence, except for the ejaculations of those doing their devotions in darkness, Gary strummed his favorite Sanctus, with a new opening verse from Frannie: “Gary, I am NOT going to sing it.”
“Holy, Holy, Holy Lord God of power, God of might
Heaven and earth are full of Your glory
Hosanna, Hosanna, Hos-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-nna in the highest
“Blessed are we who come in the Name of the Lord
Hosanna, Hosanna, Hos-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-nna in the highest”
After this, the Sofran family knelt down, and Hap began Eucharistic Prayer #37 for an Adult Liturgy/Children Welcome. “Blessed are You, O God, our Heavenly Chef, Who calls us to this Divine Banquet, offering us communion with one another in brotherly love. We have served You this bread and Kool-Aid. So may You use this meal, these comestibles, this grub to bless us in return. May we be pleased by this sacrifice which we…"
A hothead in the congregation said, “Just get on with it! The football game started already.”
Happy obliged. “This is My Body. This is My Blood - for all.”
“Amen.”
“The Lord be with you, folks.”
“And also with you.”
“Thank you so much. Let us exchange some small token of peace to one another.”
At this point, Father Hap hugged everyone in the sanctuary, except Blanche, who found an out by setting up for the distribution for Communion. Father Hap took about five minutes exchanging the sign of peace to the thirty-five or so parishioners, though not the young couples and persons of indeterminate domicile, because they have reacted less than peaceably in the past to the sign of peace.
Returning all sweaty and tired, Father Hap gave a Host to all those in the sanctuary. Then He raised his Host, saying, “This is the Lamb of God. Cool are we who come to this supper.”
“Lord, I am so worthy to receive You. Say but the word, and we shall do it again next week.”
“The Body of Christ. Amen.”
At this juncture, the six extraordinary ministers of the Eucharist distributed Communion to the forty-three parishioners; eight took part in their wait-till-after-Father-Hap-gets-done-hugging-everybody tradition.
Other than the Sofran family, everyone received Communion in the hand. One gallant lady was carrying two large banners, a purse, several bags of groceries, and a small dog, but still somehow managed to receive Communion in the hand.
On their way back, the communicants were able to partake of one of two condiment racks, one on each side, with different spreads to put on their Hosts.
The Communion antiphon was one of Gary’s own:
“My Jesus, can it be You My Jesus, can it be true
A little wheat sifted and ground into flour
Molded into shape, in the oven half an hour
But my Jesus, I feel You, too
“My Jesus, what can I say
My Jesus, this very day
With a cross to face four directions: north, east, and south
A little taste of sunshine and magic in my mouth
But my Jesus, such is Your way”
This song goes several verses, but it was cut short, on account of the Church's obligation to get everyone home by the second quarter of the football game.
“The Lord be with you nice people.”
“And also with you.”
“My, that’s so nice of you. May our Heavenly Father bless us, everybody together now: ‘The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.’ Well done, everybody. Let’s give ourselves a hand.”
This time, Father was alone, as people were already filing out.
“Let us go to serve each other with gladness, the Mass has ended.”
"It’s about time.”
Groovy Gary started an upbeat ditty that was all the rage in El Indigente back in the 1960s.
“We, the People
We, the People
We, the People of God
In order to make this a more perfect Church…”
While Gary and Francine continued the song, Father Hap was trying to beat the rush to the exits. Little did he realize that observing from the choir loft were his Ordinary, Bishop Sugarloaf, and the Vicar General of the diocese, Monsignor George Yessman. Father Hap would discover this two days later, at a curial meeting of the diocese.
There are young couples and persons of indeterminate domicile already here doing their devotions. Mrs. Sofran and her two daughters, aged 17 and 12, are by the ambiguous statue, each wearing what looks like a lace end table covering on her head and saying her beads.
From a room behind the platform comes Blanche Page. Blanche is a lovely woman, around 35 years old: tall, with her hair worn up in a conservative manner, wearing a pinstriped pantsuit. She is the daughter of one of the leaders on the parish council, Dr. Turner Page.
She is carrying a paper in her left hand, most likely to make the parish announcements, as it is part of her job as lector for the Mass. Blanche steps up to the microphone and gives a little wave. “Hi everyone,” she said with her distinctive nasal voice.
She is greeted with a smattering of “Hi Blanche!” “Wonderful to see you, Blanche.” “Good morning.” One man responded with a whistle.
Then Blanche began the announcements: “Today is the 27th Sunday in Ordinary Time, year cycle D, adult liturgy/child optional, Eucharistic prayer # 37, folk Mass, home vestments, alcohol-and-drug free, except for the wine. Oh, and Father Hap’s heart medication. And the stuff that the person of the flexible dormitorial arrangement lifestyle is drinking now. In fact, a couple of you are finishing your beers right now to make your twenty minute Eucharistic fast. Forget I said that.
“Announcements. Nick Classics is running a M*A*S*H marathon this week from Wednesday night at six o’clock in the evening to Thursday afternoon at two o’clock.
“A reminder, we are having a full-contact Bingo tournament starting Thursday, October 27. Sadie McGillicuddy, last year’s champion will be looking to defend her crown. There are still openings for the tournament, but they are sure to fill up fast. To sign up, meet with either Mrs. Leary or Father Hap after Mass. Or you could talk to Father Hap during Mass, if he doesn’t look too busy.
"The parish is sponsoring a pilgrimage next summer to Woodstock, New York, the site of the famous protoliturgy performed sixty years ago this coming summer. Travel and accommodations will cost $2,750 dollars, including two nights in the mud listening to the spiritually enriching music of the era. If you’re interested, please see Father Hap.
“On Sunday, November 26, the Feast of Christ the Presider, St. Alan Alda will be here to sign his autograph for the Faithful of the parish in the narthex after the noon Mass. The suggested donation will be $20.00. This is a once in a lifetime chance to get a personalized second class relic from this Saint. Tell all your friends to come, as well.”
With that, Blanche took her papers and returned to the left sacristy.
This last announcement caused a bit of a buzz in the parish, which was quickly drowned out by the sound of wheezing. To the right of the stage, Groovy Gary and Far out Francine were struggling with the steps on their way up to their microphones. Gary is wearing his usual tie-dye collared shirt, quite a contrast to his shock white, thinning hair. He still gets around, though with the help of a walker. Francine’s health has taken a hit the last several months, and she can never be seen without her IV hookup. She can still sing well enough, but at times, the hose that runs from the IV to her nose bumps into the microphone. Still, these are Father Happy’s favorite minstrels. What they lack in tonal accuracy, they make up for with enthusiasm.
One could still hear Groovy Gary and Far out Francine gasping for breath when the opening procession started. Gary, while still recovering, started strumming the chords: G C G D. Ah! It must be the classic of Vatican II spirituality….
“Hi God, how are you today
Can you hear us, God?
What is it you’d like to say?
Be good to your neighbor, be good to yourself
Who me? Yes, you. OK!
Hi God, how are you today
Can you hear us, God?
You’re our best friend, God”
By the end of the song, Father Happy has processed to behind the altar, which would have been a tad inconvenient in the days before Vatican II. The altar boy, Gregory, after he had led the procession, put the processional cross in its place and went back to the sacristy for a smoke. Blanche followed Gregory in the procession, holding aloft the book of readings.
The procession included the six extraordinary ministers of the Eucharist, and concluded with Fr. Hap shaking hands with the parishioners on the way in. He is dressed in a green suede chasuble, floor length all the way around with holes for the head and arms. Fr. Happy’s chasuble features a rhinestone smiley face on a white background.
Fr. Happy began the liturgy, “Good morning, everyone.”
Some parishioners responded, “Good morning, Father.”
“Now is everybody ready? Altogether now, ‘In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.’ Well done. We were all together. Now let’s give ourselves a hand.”
After the self-congratulatory applause, Father Hap said, “Before we get ready to celebrate the Eucharist together, let us call to mind our sins.”
After two seconds, Father Hap continued, “Now that felt bad, didn’t it? I know it felt bad for me. But you know what, God still loves you. Yes, He does. And here to sing the Lord Have Mercy is Groovy Gary. Gary?”
The familiar refrain of Gary’s guitar harkens to a by-gone era; the older parishioners remembered it was from Billy Joel. Gary then begins to sing.
“Don’t go changing to try to please me
Just because you let Him down before.
Mm-mm-hmm-mmmm
Don’t imagine you’re too big a sinner
That I don’t need you any more.
"Oh, God won’t leave you in times of trouble
Because He seen you come this far
Mm-mm-hmm-mmmm
You gave Him good times He’ll take the bad times
God loves you just the way you are”
Father Happy then joyfully announced: “And now for the Glory to God. Let’s see what fantastic ditty Groovy Gary and Far out Francine have for us.”
Groovy Gary played for the congregation an arrangement of “Glory to God in the Highest” he penned in 1967. At the opening chords, Father Hap started clapping his hands and encouraging the people to sing and clap their hands. He would sporadically do this throughout the piece. Despite the people’s reticence to join in, Father Hap clapped throughout and sang (and often danced) throughout the whole piece.
Refrain:
Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God in the Highest. Everybody, now.
Glory to God, and peace to His people on earth
verse
Lord God, heavenly King, almighty God and Father, we worship you, we give you thanks, we praise you for your glory. Everybody sing.
Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God in the Highest.
Glory to God, and peace to His people on earth
verse
Lord Jesus Christ, only Son of the Father, Lord God, Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world: have mercy on us; you are seated at the right hand of the Father: receive our prayer. Lift up your voices, now.
Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God in the Highest.
Glory to God, and peace to His people on earth
verse
For You alone are the Holy One, You alone are the Lord, You alone are the Most High, Jesus Christ, with the Holy Spirit, in the glory of God the Father. Amen. Let’s hear it now.
Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God in the Highest.
Glory to God, and peace to His people on earth. One more time.
Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God in the Highest.
Glory to God, and peace to His people on earth.
At this, Father Happy, visibly exhausted from the dancing, wipes the sweat from his brow. “Woo! Aren’t they great, people? Let’s give Groovy Gary and Far out Francine a hand. Yeah.” With the enthusiasm he displayed, Father Happy did not act like he realized he was the only person clapping.
Father Happy continued: “Let’s pray, everybody. The Lord be with you.”
“And also with you.”
“Thank you so much. Anyways, let us pray. Father, you have made us worthy to serve you in all our worthiness. Increase in us the reflection of Your Image and Likeness, that we may meditate on our worthiness for all of our days. We ask this through Jesus. Amen.”
With this, Father Happy sits down, and Gary and Francine collapse in their chairs.
Blanche steps up to the podium. “The reading from the Old Testament is from the Book of Numbers.” This was Numbers 7:11-83.
“The one who brought his offering on the first day was Nashon son of Amminadab of the tribe of Judah.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Nashon son of Amminadab.
“On the second day Nethanel son of Zuar, the leader of Issachar, brought his offering.
“The offering he brought was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Nethanel son of Zuar.
“On the third day, Eliab son of Helon, the leader of the people of Zebulun, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Eliab son of Helon.
“On the fourth day Elizur son of Shedeur, the leader of the people of Reuben, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Elizur son of Shedeur.
“On the fifth day Shelumiel son of Zurishaddai, the leader of the people of Simeon, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Shelumiel son of Zurishaddai.
“On the sixth day Eliasaph son of Deuel, the leader of the people of Gad, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Eliasaph son of Deuel.
“On the seventh day Elishama son of Ammihud, the leader of the people of Ephraim, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Elishama son of Ammihud.
“On the eighth day Gamaliel son of Pedahzur, the leader of the people of Manasseh, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Gamaliel son of Pedahzur.
“On the ninth day Abidan son of Gideoni, the leader of the people of Benjamin, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Abidan son of Gideoni.
“On the tenth day Ahiezer son of Ammishaddai, the leader of the people of Dan, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Ahiezer son of Ammishaddai.
“On the eleventh day Pagiel son of Ocran, the leader of the people of Asher, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed as a fellowship offering. This was the offering of Pagiel son of Ocran.
“On the twelfth day Ahira son of Enan, the leader of the people of Naphtali, brought his offering.
“His offering was one silver plate weighing a hundred and thirty shekels, and one silver sprinkling bowl weighing seventy shekels, both according to the sanctuary shekel, each filled with fine flour mixed with oil as a grain offering; one gold dish weighing ten shekels, filled with incense; one young bull, one ram and one male lamb a year old, for a burnt offering; one male goat for a sin offering; and two oxen, five rams, five male goats and five male lambs a year old, to be sacrificed. This was the offering of Ahira son of Enan.
“This is the Word of the Lord.”
A number of parishioners had fallen asleep, so Blanche repeated herself loudly. “This is the Word of the Lord.”
“Oh. Thanks be to God.”
It was time for the responsorial.
Blanche began: “Taste and see that the Lord is sweet.”
The people responded: “Taste and see that the Lord is sweet”
The responsorial is from Psalm 2:
“Why do the nations conspire
and the peoples plot in vain?
The kings of the earth take their stand
and the rulers gather together against the Lord
and against his Anointed One.”
“Taste and see that the Lord is sweet”
“The One enthroned in Heaven laughs;
the Lord scoffs at them.
Then he rebukes them in his anger
and terrifies them in his wrath,
saying, ‘I have installed my King on Zion,
my holy hill.’”
“Taste and see that the Lord is sweet”
“I will proclaim the decree of the Lord :
He said to me, ‘You are my Son;
today I have become your Father.
Ask of me,
and I will make the nations your inheritance,
the ends of the earth your possession.
You will rule them with an iron scepter;
you will dash them to pieces like pottery.’”
“Taste and see that the Lord is sweet”
“Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling.
Kiss the Son,
lest he be angry and you be destroyed in your way,
for his wrath can flare up in a moment.
Blessed are all who take refuge in him.”
“Taste and see that the Lord is sweet”
Blanche then began the day’s Epistle (Rev. 3:1-6) here presented with the optional parts indicated. Blanche omitted them. “Today’s epistle is from the Book of Revelation. “To the Angel in the church in Sardis, write, ‘These are the words of him who holds the seven spirits of God and the seven stars. I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, [but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die,] for I have [not] found your deeds complete in the sight of my God. Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; [obey it, and repent.] But if you do not [wake up, I will] come [like a thief, and] you will not know at what time I will come to you. Yet you have [a few] people in Sardis who [have not soiled their clothes. They] will walk with me, dressed [in white], for they are worthy. [They who overcome will, like them, be dressed in white.] I will never blot out their name from the book of life, but will acknowledge their name before my Father and his angels.’ Those who have an ear, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”
“This is the Word of the Lord.”
“Thanks be to God.”
At this, Groovy Gary started up the guitar, and then Far out Francine sung the melody: “Allelu-ia Allelu - ia Alleloooooooia.”
Gary joined in: “Allelu-ia Allelu - ia Alleloooooooia.”
Francine sung the verse: “My burden is sweet and My yoke is light, and you shall find rest for your souls.”
“Allelu-ia Allelu - ia Alleloooooooia.”
At this, all stood, except for those doing their devotions in the back of the church. Father Hap stood at the altar. “Woo! Gary and Francine are great, aren’t they? The Lord be with you, everybody.”
“And also with you.”
“Thank you. The reading of the Gospel is from Matthew.”
“Glory be to you, O Lord.”
“Jesus said to His disciples, 'You shall find rest for your souls, for My burden is sweet and my yoke is light.'”
“Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.”
At the conclusion of the Gospel, everyone sat down, except Father Smiley, who grabbed the microphone from the pulpit and went to Gary’s stool, as per usual. He had to chase Gary off first, because he had fallen asleep on the stool. Father Hap then sat down on the stool and began his sermon over the huffing and wheezing of Gary and Francine.
Father’s sermons have been quite short in recent years, much to the delight of his faithful. In the distant past, twice he was assaulted after grabbing a reluctant parishioner to participate in his homily. He had once been known for endless sermons, but Bishop Surley suggested that he cut it down after the entire parish joined in a chant of “Shut up! Shut up!” Thus, he settled on short, sweet, sermons, usually with a story or anecdote tied in to a moral, keeping in mind that Father Hap has never seen a tangent he didn’t like.
At any rate, Father Hap started his sermon. “I was riding my bike the other day, when I stopped at a stop sign. Now, you all know that when you ride a bicycle, that you’re supposed to obey the rules of traffic as if you were a car, don’t you? It drives me crazy when I see a bicycle run right through a stop sign as if it wasn’t there, or when he drives on the wrong side of the street. Why do they think that it’s OK for them to break the rules of traffic, but not cars? If a car were to…”
At that point a buzzer sounded . Blanche has a button which she presses in case Hap get too far off topic. Apparently, this was not the point of the sermon.
Happy continued: “Anyways. I was at the stop sign. And in a nearby yard, I saw the most exquisite flower garden. And at the daffodils, I saw a beautiful black and yellow honeybee flying around to get the nectar from the flower. And I thought to myself, ‘You know, I frequently preach on the goodness of animals and our duties as stewards of the Kingdom of God to look after our rationally-challenged brethren. What about vegetation? Are they just like you and me without sensation? What rights does being alive bring with it?’
“But when I watched the honeybee, I realized that plants have a very meaningful role in society. Is it possible that just as we can recognize animal rights and avoid eating meat, dare we hope that one day science will make purely synthetic food (other than McDonald’s hamburgers) so we don’t have to eat our vegetative brethren? Even when you eat an apple, let’s say. Do you then lovingly place the baby apple trees in a place where they can grow in peace? It goes to show how far we’ve slipped as a society.
“So let us work toward the day when the rights and dignity of our less sensational brethren are appreciated as children of God and work to sow peace between all forms of life so that the world will again have the harmony we once had in the Garden of Eden. As we all know, we can have this peace only through science and dialog.”
His sermon having finished, Father Hap returned to his place behind the altar and they recited the Creed for the 21st Century.
“I believe that God exists, although I respect others’ rights to deny it.
I have some belief in Jesus Christ; others don’t, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, at least as a guiding Force for my faith experience, but it’s all good that others don’t.
I believe some other stuff, but others believe differently, which is fine, too.
Amen.”
After the Creed, Blanche came to the pulpit and turned to give Father Hap a piercing glare, as he’s forgotten to put the mike back after the sermon again. She grabbed the microphone from the stool, returned to the pulpit, and began the Prayers of the Faithful.
“We pray for the Holy Father, Pope Liberius II. May You enlighten him in the way of dialog, and help him to be ever more responsive to the desires of the People of God. Give him strength and wisdom to meet our needs and the needs of people of all other faiths, that we may walk the garden path of dialog. Help him in the work of diocesan consolidation, so that all may be one. For this, we pray to the Lord.”
“Word.”
“We pray for our bishop, Sugarloaf, that he may meet the needs of all the flock entrusted to him, that all might find a place at the table, regardless of creed, cult, or belief, except for integrists. For this, we pray to the Lord.”
“Word.”
“We pray for the People of God throughout the world. Let us who are created in Your Image and Likeness find ourselves, and by so doing, find You. For this, we pray to the Lord.”
“Word.”
“We pray for Catholic Action, that animal rights, gay rights, Leninist, socialist, and worthy apostolates of all kinds continue Your work in the world, until we’ve rebuilt the Garden of Paradise our fathers lost by dogmatic intolerance. For this, we pray to the Lord.”
“Word.”
Father Happy continued: “Heavenly Father, our Eternal Stick of Cotton Candy in the sky, You bring sweetness to our days and peace to our nights. Out of love and confidence, we ask also for earthly prosperity and total social justice, which we are pretty much figuring out anyway without You. We ask this in the name of Jesus.”
“Amen.”
At that point, Father Happy stood at the front of the podium for what used to be the most uncomfortable five minutes in the liturgy: waiting for someone to rush to participate in the liturgy and bring up the water and wine. Now, Father pays someone to do it, and it is much more efficient. By the time the water and wine get put on the altar, Groovy Gary has finally reached the stool.
Father Hap, eager with anticipation, shrieks with glee when Gary and Franny start out… “I’ve… got… a…
“Joy, joy feeling down in my heart”
Father Hap always loved to do the responses to this traditional hymn. “Where?”
“Down in my heart” “Where?”
“Down in my heart
I’ve got a joy, joy feeling down in my heart” “Where?”
“Down in my heart this day
“I am so happy” “No, I’m Happy”
“So very happy
I sing aloud and clap and dance for joy
I am so happy, so very happy
I sing aloud and clap and dance for joy
“And if the devil doesn’t like it, he can sit on a tack” “Ouch”
“Sit on a tack” “Ouch”
“Sit on a tack
And if the devil doesn’t like it, he can sit on a tack” “Ouch”
“Sit on a tack this day” “Yaaahhhh!!”
“I am so happy, so very happy
I sing aloud and clap and dance for joy
I am so happy, so very happy
I sing aloud and clap and dance for joy”
Time to start the offertory. Father Happy wasn’t quite ready. First of all, he was still tired from dancing in a similar style that Jackie Gleason danced to “Ragg Mopp” on “The Honeymooners”. Second, when he tried to get Blanche to dance, she got pepper spray out of her purse and nailed him, which brought about his ad lib lyric.
Still, the show must go on. Barely able to open his eyes, he filled the chalice and ciborium and raised them up and said, “Blessed are you, Lord God of all creation, for we have this bread and wine to… Who the hell put the Kool-Aid in the cruet?”
“Blessed be God forever.”
No use, Gregory had left. Blanche was now getting the preparations for Communion ready in his stead.
“That’s the last time we use him. I’ll go ahead and do the Liturgy of the Eucharist, but I’m sure they’ll have conniption over this in Catholic Family News.”
He went on: “Pray my friends that our actions will have something to do with God, our Heavenly Father.”
“May the Lord receive this as something cool, for our good and for our temporal interests.”
“Father, receive this act of worship, not that You benefit from it, but just for the aesthetic pleasure of the music and to share the good vibes of the moment. We ask this in the name of Jesus.”
“Amen.”
“The Lord be with you, everybody.”
“And also with you.”
“You’re so kind. Lift up your hearts.”
“Not likely! They’re staying in our rib cages, thank you.”
“Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.”
“Sure, why not?”
“It is truly right and just to everywhere give You thanks, our Heavenly Father, for You have made us worthy to partake in this celebration. We thank You, Lord, that we are not as the rest of men, like the integrists down the street. Their fanaticism and antiquarianism is repelled by the joy which we offer You. So with cute little Angels, which we believe because it feels nice, let us sing forever the song of praise:”
Groovy Gare and Francine were fighting about which Sanctus to sing while Father improvised the Preface. Father’s hearing isn’t what it used to be, as this liturgy could have used some of his famous tangents here. Faced with silence, except for the ejaculations of those doing their devotions in darkness, Gary strummed his favorite Sanctus, with a new opening verse from Frannie: “Gary, I am NOT going to sing it.”
“Holy, Holy, Holy Lord God of power, God of might
Heaven and earth are full of Your glory
Hosanna, Hosanna, Hos-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-nna in the highest
“Blessed are we who come in the Name of the Lord
Hosanna, Hosanna, Hos-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-nna in the highest”
After this, the Sofran family knelt down, and Hap began Eucharistic Prayer #37 for an Adult Liturgy/Children Welcome. “Blessed are You, O God, our Heavenly Chef, Who calls us to this Divine Banquet, offering us communion with one another in brotherly love. We have served You this bread and Kool-Aid. So may You use this meal, these comestibles, this grub to bless us in return. May we be pleased by this sacrifice which we…"
A hothead in the congregation said, “Just get on with it! The football game started already.”
Happy obliged. “This is My Body. This is My Blood - for all.”
“Amen.”
“The Lord be with you, folks.”
“And also with you.”
“Thank you so much. Let us exchange some small token of peace to one another.”
At this point, Father Hap hugged everyone in the sanctuary, except Blanche, who found an out by setting up for the distribution for Communion. Father Hap took about five minutes exchanging the sign of peace to the thirty-five or so parishioners, though not the young couples and persons of indeterminate domicile, because they have reacted less than peaceably in the past to the sign of peace.
Returning all sweaty and tired, Father Hap gave a Host to all those in the sanctuary. Then He raised his Host, saying, “This is the Lamb of God. Cool are we who come to this supper.”
“Lord, I am so worthy to receive You. Say but the word, and we shall do it again next week.”
“The Body of Christ. Amen.”
At this juncture, the six extraordinary ministers of the Eucharist distributed Communion to the forty-three parishioners; eight took part in their wait-till-after-Father-Hap-gets-done-hugging-everybody tradition.
Other than the Sofran family, everyone received Communion in the hand. One gallant lady was carrying two large banners, a purse, several bags of groceries, and a small dog, but still somehow managed to receive Communion in the hand.
On their way back, the communicants were able to partake of one of two condiment racks, one on each side, with different spreads to put on their Hosts.
The Communion antiphon was one of Gary’s own:
“My Jesus, can it be You My Jesus, can it be true
A little wheat sifted and ground into flour
Molded into shape, in the oven half an hour
But my Jesus, I feel You, too
“My Jesus, what can I say
My Jesus, this very day
With a cross to face four directions: north, east, and south
A little taste of sunshine and magic in my mouth
But my Jesus, such is Your way”
This song goes several verses, but it was cut short, on account of the Church's obligation to get everyone home by the second quarter of the football game.
“The Lord be with you nice people.”
“And also with you.”
“My, that’s so nice of you. May our Heavenly Father bless us, everybody together now: ‘The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.’ Well done, everybody. Let’s give ourselves a hand.”
This time, Father was alone, as people were already filing out.
“Let us go to serve each other with gladness, the Mass has ended.”
"It’s about time.”
Groovy Gary started an upbeat ditty that was all the rage in El Indigente back in the 1960s.
“We, the People
We, the People
We, the People of God
In order to make this a more perfect Church…”
While Gary and Francine continued the song, Father Hap was trying to beat the rush to the exits. Little did he realize that observing from the choir loft were his Ordinary, Bishop Sugarloaf, and the Vicar General of the diocese, Monsignor George Yessman. Father Hap would discover this two days later, at a curial meeting of the diocese.
posted by jdobbs | 2:00 PM
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